Couldn't wait

Till 11pm..

Author: Zavair

I remember once when I was really young, we had some builders who’d come in to take a look at a plot / piece of land my mother owned, with an aim to do their thing, survey the site and give a quotation or something for some construction work. I tagged along and got bored of the whole thing pretty quickly so I just sat myself down and waited in the corner. Soon after I heard the very familiar sounding topic of discussion i.e Mother talking about her son, like he’s the best thing since sliced bread lol… She spared no chance… relevant or irrelevant to bring me into the conversation and really build me up to unbelievable levels lol.. It was mildly embarrassing when she did it at home but now she was even doing it outside with a building contractor of all people loll.. Anyway, The contractor guy, maybe innocuously or something else or for whatever reason, suddenly called me by my name and then beckoned me over. I could see mother standing beside him looking at me too… So the guy calls me over and says “your mother says you’re good with maths and geometry huh?” I couldn’t dissolve myself into the floor below so I just didn’t say anything… Mother just had this smile on her face and didn’t say anything either. Next thing this guy does is pull out his notebook and a pen… draws a square on it and tells me ‘this is the land we are standing on right now’.. Then writes some numbers around the square and tells me that this is the length of this side of the land… and this is the length of this side of the land… Let’s see if you can tell me the area of the whole land space in square meters. I could sense my mother probably wasn’t expecting that either… and the guy just had this silly smirk on his face loll.. I’m not sure why though because he was literally asking me a very poorly rendered example of the Pythagoras theorem loll… If we know the value of a and b then we can find out c. Or c2 = a2+b2 … That’s one of the first things children learn in mathematics Anyway… I didn’t start randomly adding and multiplying shit… I just wrote down asquared + bsquared = csquared and told my mother that I really wanna go home.. cuz there was literally nothing to do but waiting. Anyway, we soon got in the car and left…. But boy was mother happy and proud and eeeshhh she just wouldn’t stop talking about how amazing that was loll.. I kept telling her how all children know that theorem and that guy was weird to even ask me that etc etc but she wasn’t having any of it. Long story short… Well its already quite long damn… The point of that long childhood story was how I got hooked on mathematics and theorems and problem solving. I’ve thought about it a number of times but I think before that little episode occurred I was never really into any of that. But ever since I got into it… My life, and its events, coincidences, decisions, good news, bad news… pretty much anything and everything u can think of gets that irrational treatment from me loll I make decision trees in my head, weigh one set of variables with another set of coincidences and draw parallels to probabilities and odds. Its frankly exhausting but its soooo deeply ingrained in me, that habit is now second nature to me. I’m telling u this because when I first met you, and started talking to u and … well… got to learn and know more about you… I could not - for the life of me - figure out how to approach this colossal article of astounding improbabilities. But “adapt se majboor” I still went ahead and tried to wrap my head around the odds of finding you. I know that sounds cliched but… its so much more then just finding you… because we haven’t even started to take into account the hordes of variables at play. Considering my background and my circumstances… to all that has occurred so far and mix that with the odds of me feeling comfortable enough to spell out one of my biggest life’s burdens loll And that too, to someone I met online. The very way of meeting that I had practically convinced myself of not being built for. Trying to derive any discernible logic out of this improbability or assigning a number to the odds of meeting someone that I’ve quickly become sooooo fond of is plain lunacy. It’s the first time ever that I’ve had to apply the mythical unit “i” IN REAL LIFE!!!! “i” in mathematics, specially in discrete mathematics and theoretical stuff represents “imaginary numbers”. This thought experiment and habit really had me stumped. And I know how stupid this all sounds. But… again, its just how I’ve been wired but now I’m short circuiting loll I’ve tried distilling then condensing huge swathes of algebraic expressions into really very convenient workings, bordering on contrivances, just so I can make sense of this… perhaps associate a number to it. A number is absolute you know.. there’s no uncertainty to it. I think that could perhaps explain why I chase it so. But the problem here is the vastness of the task at hand. I have to resort to “i” the imaginary numbers which further escalate into “complex numbers”. I’ve done this using infinity as an invariably generous constant, always on the ready to help me whenever I can’t think of a tangible value to associate a property surrounding us and our individual characteristics with a plethora of unbounded sets of variables like… demographics, and past grievances and surroundings and preferences and green flags and red flags and so on and so onnn! Our equation is already so monumentally mind boggling that I am already looking to cheat-solve it by simply calling u my miracle and being done with it. Imagine my frustration, when in the middle of all of this ride - trying to make sense of it and thinking wheeee! Stars can align for me too loll I end up getting stuck in London for a horrible and frankly infuriating issue. And that too, literally when I was instead supposed to send u my ID etc… Say what you may about this.. but woman! This — Us — This is new for me. I don’t know what’s the right way to do it or the wrong way to do it. I’m winging it most of the times and praying that I’m doing it right. And Until I see you in person… and until I sit across from you and look you in the face and hold my gaze and talk to your eyes and then just… sigh inside loll Until then… silly things like letters and zandh stuff is all I can do. You asking for my ID and me not being able to sort that out for u yet sits badly with me because you’ve told me that failing that would leave u with no choice but to start wondering and thinking and assuming stuff. Thats the last thing I want. I don’t want to introduce any more bleeding variables to this equation. And that too on your side borne out of my own streak of bad luck. I couldn’t possibly talk to u and be all happy chappy while in London, knowing fully well that while we talked u could have some weird questions or theories bubbling in ur head and before u know it… the damage’s been done. I wanna build this for us on a solid foundation woman. I don’t want u to have any doubts or any reservations in ur head because I won’t like it one bit and I don’t even know what I’d do.. Its so bizarre for me to even be saying all this… but I’m scared I’ll cock up somewhere. I might not even know about it… but somehow I might. So…. What do I do. What can I do? I get rid of any and all possible permutations for complicating the already complicated equation … I get rid of any such situation that might even remotely be the tiniest of the reason to cause fragmentation of whatever it is that we’re trying to do. Calling u important would be an understatement atm. I’ve hated every single minute of the last two days. I’ve experienced a certain nothingness that forced me to alternate between sighing and checking the weather or the time, rubbing my eyes, then sighing and rechecking, and then sighing again. I’ve felt uneasy and on edge. The only thing that’s been on my mind is to get back, do what I told u I will, and finally hear ur voice, see the walking footsteps in ur chat window and laugh hysterically at your on-point gifs. And I’m sorry I couldn’t fix this sooner. I couldn’t wait til tomorrow to get back home and waste another day/night.. I organised for someone to go to to the storage and take out a briefcase for safekeeping because I knew it might get a little late in the night before I got back. So I grabbed my stuff… came home and am now writing this before I even open telegram again and send u a msg that I’m dreading.. I don’t want u to wake up with the noise or a ping….. Meeting you has been a miracle for me woman and I don’t even care if it sounds cheesy. I just know that I can’t quantify it. I’ve tried and failed to make sense of its odds. And that’s cuz it literally is almost like a cosmic or thermodynamic miracle lollll The impossibility of events with odds against so astronomical that they're effectively impossible… like all oxygen spontaneously becoming gold lolll People talk of them in theory but when u really drill it down and take a moment to consider how impossible the odds of meeting each other are... think about it… multiply those odds by countless generations… and countless permutations and countless turn of events, against the odds of your ancestors meeting;, and adding them to the odds of my ancestors and their histories being reduced and condensing all the way down to that moment leading upto that msg exchange between us where you talked about perceptions loll.. To distill something so specific from all that chaos of improbability - like turning air to gold.

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