You, The.

Measure of my dreams.

Author: Zavair

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I couldn’t write or finish and upload the letter I wanted to send to you last night. And I’m sorry for that. I tried to. But as soon as I re-read it, I deleted it. It read like a nothingburger. At least I convinced myself that it did.

I’ve always carried within me, hairpin triggers for self-loathing lolll Naturally, it doesn’t take much for me to feel raving fits of cynicism, told-you-so’s and self-doubts creeping up & weighing down on me like decades. Decades being an actual representation of their measure. And while they have utility as expressions of pragmatism and rationale, they are also exceedingly discouraging for matters of the heart loll Always telling me to reign things in and keeping me in check. “Don’t be selfish” they’d say… and I’d oblige. But then one day, along came you… with powers I couldn’t comprehend loll The mere mention of your name silenced all my demons loll To think of you as beautiful; seemed too tame as a notion. Just another form of lovely eloquence… Nope. Looking at you, I thought, would actually break my heart and mend what was broken in the same moment leaving me twice what I’d had been before loll I find myself grinning when I talk to you, until my cheeks hurt loll My tongue runs away from me, giddy with freedom. I relish in ignoring all measures of my shortfalls. It’s like you sit down and tell me how I have had it all wrong, all along. You explain me to myself. Sometimes even without words loll See, I don’t even cringe with the cheesiness of my own words when I talk to u.. But that’s exactly what I mean when I say, along came you… and so effortlessly started to upend decades of designs in me. You came and stood in defiance to all my inherent fears and reservations owing to circumstances. You are my deepest innocence, in all that mass of ritual pragmatism and worldly cynicism. You exist in spaces preceding points where wishes are given a separate name to warn that they might not come true.

I don’t know the point of this letter. I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I can assure you of things that are out of my control, without giving in to feeling selfish yet again. It exasperates me more knowing that nobody’s being unfair or unreasonable in this situation. All concerns are justified and come from a place of unconditional love & sincerity… wanting nothing but the best for you and in turn for, us. I can try and think of ways to allay said concerns, address them head-on but it’d all be in vain… mainly because nobody knows what the future holds. I’d be lying if I said I did. No matter how sure I feel of it. The irony in considering the dichotomy of calling it the Murphy’s or DeMorgan’s law isn’t lost on me.