Balance

Logic meets Faith

Author: Woman

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Dear Zavair,

Where do I begin? You too are my very own conundrum. Do I start at the fact it's 4am and I haven't gone back to sleep, instead my neurons are firing trying to unravel the mystery that is you?🤯

Or do I start at how I had muted everyone on Telegram but you - so when the paper plane finally landed and caused a tiny vibration, my heart felt a victory before my bleary eyes could even open or my mind engage.

Let's just rewind to Sunday.. after Saturdays events I had been so excited to open your letter as they bring me joy, I love to read your soliloquies and in my mind I had been visualising what silly doodle I'd make to stamp my presence. Then 11pm finally came and there was no letter - I felt a weird pang in my heart. Odd I thought. After refreshing a few times, the mind start racing...question after question after question.

My very first thoughts were was he okay? Had something happened to him? I tried to call but it failed to connect. I frantically went back to the site and thankfully there was the Sunday letter!

I always said I will be authentic and transparent. The truth is the past couple of days have been really difficult for me. You shutting down and retreating in to your world to solve your problems brought out anxiety in me.

I can see now from today's letter, how things have been on your mind and how deeply you think about things. You've found your match. It's fascinating to learn how you try to make sense of things in a way that fits into your world. And I get it. I really do.

For me though, I was left wondering what was happening, why I hadn’t heard from you on Monday, and whether I had misjudged everything between us. Was I love bombed, was this an exit strategy etc?

When you went quiet, it wasn’t just about the fact you didn't follow through with the ID or Home Office paperwork, it was about the way it made me feel.

I felt like I was suddenly left in the dark, trying to piece things together on my own. And while I understand that you were dealing with a major crisis, I didn’t know that at the time. It made me feel anxious and not emotionally secure. I can't even put into words how much I hate feeling that.

You say you don’t want to introduce doubts or complicate things, but silence and distance can sometimes do exactly that.

My mind went to places it shouldn't have to go. Communication could have nipped that doubt in the bud. But like I said before if left it can insidiously wreak havoc.

I wasn’t looking for perfect logic or answers, I just needed to feel like I wasn’t left wondering where I stood. That’s what made the past few days so hard for me. I felt like I was holding onto something real, but at the same time, I was questioning whether I was being naive for believing in it so much.

My mind to protect myself felt angry with you 😠, but the heart ❤️ that likes to see the best in others and takes the Islamic saying make 70 excuses for your brother to the full level - kept saying think positively Halima, think override the anxiety. When I stumbled across your website being suspended. The heart grabbed onto it like it was the last cookie on earth. It was what made my mind finally ease somewhat.

That's when it calmed and pieced together that you often like to become tunnel visioned in solving your problems, your avoidance wasn't directed at me but just your coping mechanism in dealing with the world. That's okay. We each have our ways of dealing with stressors. There's no right or wrong. But when you bring someone else into your world, there needs to be a forethought not afterthought of how it may impact the other person.

I appreciate you explaining everything, and I don’t doubt that this is all new for you, that you're navigating emotions in a way you’re not used to. And I don’t expect you to have it all figured out. But what I do need is communication, just enough so I’m not left in this space where I have to assume the worst. Because I can't explain how much it disturbs my peace. I do not seek perfection - if you’re overwhelmed, just say that.

If things are going wrong, just let me know. If you need space, just quantify it. I just need to feel like I’m not alone in whatever we’re building here.

You say you don’t want to mess this up, but neither do I. And that’s why I’m telling you this because I care about you, because this matters to me, and because I don’t want to spend more time feeling like I’m guessing where I stand. I don't want the mind to overrule the heart. Because if it does it will close the door to you as I have been hurt before. I want us to navigate this together, not separately in our own minds.

That’s my side of things.

You’re out here constructing probability trees and wrangling imaginary numbers, which is so 🤓 and hot but you’ve missed one crucial element, faith. Faith isn’t an equation to be solved; it’s the unquantifiable variable that renders all logic useless.

You’ve tried to input this into an equation, but the answer was never going to be found in complex numbers or infinite probabilities. Some things aren’t meant to be solved, they’re meant to be felt.

And that’s where we differ. I emote, you logic. While you’re busy trying to assign a value to us, I already know. The odds don’t matter. The logic doesn’t matter. Faith has already stumped the equation. Allah has placed me in your life for a purpose. You when you are present make me feel so good and stoking the flames of hope. Something I thought I'd never feel again.

I didn’t expect to find someone who could challenge my mind, make me laugh, who has old school romance and leaves me utterly exasperated all at once. And yet, here you are, proving me wrong in the best way possible. You make my heart race in ways I forgot it could. And even though my mind tries to fight it, my heart keeps pulling me back to you

So maybe instead of trying to solve the impossible, you just accept it for what it is: something rare, something real, and something that doesn't need proof to exist.

But if I have to put it in maths for you, how do I say this in maths for you? Hmm... And on this journey, all I ask is that you help align my heart and mind, like solving a complex equation. When the variables align, and I find that ultimate peace, I’ll be entirely yours. That’s the solution I seek. My calculations say it's not improbable. Apply the right formula by listening to my needs then it's every bit possible because for me to still be here after the anxiety I felt and not just bail, means I'm fighting my fears too because I believe in you and want to be closer.

Kind regards, Halima