Word Salad

Desc xyz..

Author: Zavair

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Not sure what this is… and if it even qualifies as a letter but everything stated herein out is exactly what I am thinking or had been thinking in the given moment 😂 Having spoken to you for 4 hours straight on the phone the other night…. It dawned on me, that although I’ve always thought that I don’t need anyone… I’m starting to think I was just waiting to meet you lol

I feel like I’m cultivating a bottomless pit of greed.. Greedy-ing to want more and more of you. I’m starting to notice how all I want these days… is to be needed by you, and needing you by me. How I want to feel like all I need is to always be indispensable to you. Wanting you to eat up all my free time, traces of ego, my attention. I want u to be addicted to me and I, to you… so we shall live out the rest of our lives… sharing this mutual addiction 🤣🤣..

Watching your video the other day… I realised how - even through the lens of a camera - your eye contact is… well, mesmeric to me 😳🤩 It’s almost hauntingly beautiful… There’s a hint of surreal-ness to it… The absurdity of it… can u even imagine? I’ve actually thought of it in great detail tbh. I’ve thought of moments about people going about their respective days… somewhere, anywhere, unaware folks just walking and going about their day in Birmingham. I’ve wondered how those who may happen, just by coincidence, to have passed by you…. and locked eyes with you… whether they get overwhelmed momentarily with the need to remember you for the rest of their lives. I know I would. Did too. As I watched your video. Talking of people… and happenstances…. and walking by you… Here’s something I never thought I’d ever find myself wanting… I want to go about my day and run into you. I know I’ve said this before but I really do loll… I want to catch your eyes from across a street… or a square, or a hall, or a library, anywhere… and share a smile that only we would know the meaning of.

Oh and while we’re on the subject of absurdities and my unbounded capacity to think and cook up all kinds of little scenarios about us… and dreams and events and ‘memos to self’… Every time I wish to send you a text message…. I find myself forcibly disinclining an absurd need to text you cryptically puzzling long-ass messages… with an explicit intention of making u read that text, 5 or 6 times to understand it properly 😄 It just seems so important in the moment. See, to me… that way I can maximise the amount of time - theoretically at least - we spend together… on this shared activity of typing, and thinking, and sending, and reading, and deciphering, and re-reading… all tallying up collectively for the amount of space we can take up in each other’s lives loll I knowwww its silly… That’s also why I never actually do it. I also don’t tend to sometimes… send you the entirety of my messages. Granted, the omitted bit of the message is almost always utterly stupid but still….. It’s kinda hard not to keep the ‘X’ pressed until the whole message box fills up with lots and lots of Xs. Then - inevitably & understandably - I backspace them all. Except at times when I justttttt can’t help myself loll.. So I leave a solitary and condensed with the energies of all the other backspaced Xs…. x remain intact in its place at the end of the message and then press send.

Whimsicallll!!! Yep, that’s it. Exactly the kind of word I was looking for. To describe this, uhhh — state, I’m increasingly finding myself indulging and giving in to. Let’s just say that it’s…. well....'Tis Magic-al! lolzz Admittedly though, the whimsical state carries with it a slight risk of embarrassment too…. thanks to the unconscionable and unreasonable urge to put my head on every imaginable surface 🤦🏻‍♂️ in preparation to ruminate on your existence. This state… any which surface…. that setting - it all becomes a canvas that I can prime and paint with ‘you’ being the embodiment of every graceful fancy that my mind is about to become acquainted and occupied with shortly thereafter. There was a time… before I met you, when it felt like I could have rebuilt the library of Alexandria with the amount of effort it took for me to physically remove my duvet and get out of bed 🤣🤣 Compare that to now… when every leap out of the bed in the morning brings with it patterns I recognise, for a beautiful day ahead of loitering whimsically on ‘you’. 🥰🥰

ahh tsk!! I’ve done it again. The idea… or the simple intention was to text you and tell you that I’m thinking of you. But I justttttt cannnn notttt! For the life of me…. Keep my mind from wandering away on distant tangents and irresistible digressions loll And there it is… in all its discombobulating-ly glorious mixture of word salad and befuddled thoughts. Devoid of any structure, form or meaningful syntax. It’s like I want to say something and should say so being specific yet every time I try… outpours the most bemusing drivel imaginable 😄😄 See, sometimes all I want to tell you is that I can't stop thinking about you. But I forget that, that thought will always be shaped with your presence and the influence you have on me. It’s there. It’s everywhere. Ubiquitous and resolute in its insatiable quest to savour ceaselessly on all distractions conceivable…. Idiosyncratic or peculiar, it matters not. Suddenly everything becomes far too important to ignore and I want to discover everything about you so much so that sometimes there's nothing in the world I would like to know more, except maybe how your hair looks when it's messy in the morning loll or knowing the specifics of what makes you laugh until you cry… or what makes you laugh when you're crying. Either or both, or all of those facts and distractions are fine by me. You engross me entirely in all my digressions… and all my great and hopeful perhaps(es). Suffice to say, I’ve become extremely qualified in the art of solemn window gazing of late… loll And soooo I go off on tangents like this one. And I ruminate. I ruminate on your existence. A venerable trend if you think about it. Your existence is proof that generations of your face has been loved. I am but a custodian, trying to keep up with that tradition. 😊😊